Crowding Fears

February 20, 2010 at 5:15 pm (My Story.)

Since my diagnosis, I felt an overwhelming desire to feel “normal”…or as normal as possible. I used to carry a couple of my Mum’s tampons or pads in my bag…just in case my other friends would ask me if I had one. I did this from age 12 onward. While my friends would be complaining about menstrual symptoms, I would also feign the symptoms. I dont think they ever caught on but it was enough that I knew the truth. However, I did it often enough that it became second nature. When it came to dilating, I was committed, like 100%. I felt weird and uncomfortable doing it but I did it anyways. I secretly hoped that if I did everything the doctor told me that no one would ever notice the difference.

When I left home to go to university, I was excited and nervous about the excessive freedom I had. Right from elementary school, I had wanted to date and boys were the topic of every conversation with my friends. This didnt change much throughout highschool. So when I got to university age, I dove right in. I just felt like I wanted to push the envelope…see how far I could go. Ive never had trouble attracting attention but my lack of experience and the knowledge of my condition meant I wasnt as confident as I should have been.  So I had this constant internal battle. I secretly wanted that assurance that I was normal. But at the same time, what if I went through with it and they noticed? What if it didnt work? I was living in residence, so the fear that rumours would fly meant I had to be careful. Close quarters also meant that I could never continue my dilation therapy (but by then I had reached a relatively normal vaginal length).  Despite this I pushed the envelope alright…

6 Comments

  1. Aysha said,

    I have also had that huge desire to feel ‘normal’ to fit in. Your emotions you describe regarding this echo mine and many MRKH womens.

    I did the dilator treatment too. However my main aim for doing it was to feel more complete, normal and womenly! I also felt weird doing it and use to hate it due to the immense pain it caused. I just wanted to get it out the way so it was one less thing to worry about about MRKH! I was determined and it only took me over 1 month to complete the dilation process. I hope remain open down there until I need too. Intially I felt amazing about having done the dilation however that amazing feeling did wear off. Doing dilation cannot bring happiness! My expectations from dilation were too high. Using what I created though one day will probably bring me happiness! I hope one day I can gain some pleasure from all the emotional and physical pain I went through. I hope my post was not too graphic!
    Stay strong everyone!! =D

  2. Aysha said,

    Oh I forgot to add after being diagnosed with MRKH I hate the word normal. Back in my first year of university my lecturer of sociology was actually asking us to define normal. What students answered as their defination of normal, I remember thinking I do not fit in it so am I abnormal? To me there is no normal! We are all different in different ways. Different is not bad and makes us unique! We are wonderful women!

  3. MRKHCanada said,

    1) I totally agree! I hope that this is all worth it in the end…not only the physical pain but the emotional. Im glad it wasnt just me who felt this way! Thank you for sharing this (dont worry its not graphic at all!).

    2) Also hate the word normal…thats why I incorporated the quotation marks. Realisitically, what defines normal? I agree different is unique and our experiences shape who we are! Strong, confident women!!!

  4. Aysha said,

    =D I hope its worth the pain too in the end. For many MRKH women is has been and many are married, are mothers and some even have grandchildren. This gives me hope that I hopefully will have the same and a great future!

    Well said! Well I am not that confident but I am becoming more confident but I still lack confidence in many aspects of life!

  5. MRKHCanada said,

    It also gives me hope! Confidence is a process. It comes with life experiences and I think as we continue to learn and grow, we become more confident in our daily lives and our endeavours/dreams!

  6. Miss-Smiley said,

    Wise girly. I agree I emailed you.

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