My first.

March 1, 2010 at 5:22 pm (My Story.)

I needed some time to reflect my last diary entry. I did skip some pretty crucial parts to give you an overview of my relationship. I will now be going back and start filling in some of those gaps…

I had hoped when I first started dating that I would never have to tell anyone about my secret. There were even times where I had repressed my knowledge of it so deep that even I forgot about it…temporarily. As I have mentioned, I did date before B but not seriously. As soon as things got too hot, I would leave. I was too afraid of sex. I was fascinated by it but I also avoided it for fear that it would give me away. This had to change when I started dating B.

I had explained to him that I was a virgin and he was perfectly willing to let me set the pace. He was understanding and always encouraged a dialogue so that he would know where I was mentally and emotionally. This attracted me to him even more and it got to the point where, more than ever, I wanted to do it. We had started dating in early March and (as I mentioned before) we both lived in residence. He met my roommate and heard my troubles and offered that I stay at his place. I was reluctant at first (because I didn’t want to infringe on his space) but then agreed. From then on, I basically moved in with him. It wasn’t intentional by any means but we loved being together. When we weren’t in class, we would do things together…go to the market (the Byward market), or the mall or wherever. It didn’t matter to me where we went or what we did. It was amazing just being together! (If you don’t mind my getting a little more intimate I’ll keep going.)

Originally, I had told B that I wanted to move slow. He was totally cool with that. But contrary to what I had said and what I thought I felt, I was okay with fooling around. We did just about everything, except intercourse (I don’t like saying “sex” because all of the other stuff is part of sex). In other words, we found ways around actually going “all the way.” Part of me was ready but psychologically, I was still afraid. B sensed that and never pushed me. As well, I knew that there were only two months left before he would go back to Toronto and I would go back home for the summer. Add to this the fact that he had already got a six week summer contract up in Northen Ontario as a treeplanter where he would be out of any communication range. It was a true test of our relationship. I think my logic here was that I didnt want to get too attached. Little did I know that I already was. My point is that we decided to wait until the end of the summer.   So we waited  six months (in total).

So finally, what was it like? It wasn’t too bad. A little clumsy at first but then it was really good. But I was still scared. In hindsight, I don’t know that that was ever going to go away. At first, I was worried that things weren’t going to fit and that he would know right away that something wasn’t quite right (haha I think I might have even said something along the lines of that to him). I was also worried that I wouldn’t know what I was doing and that it would be bad for him (he had much more experience when it came to sex). I was worried about being inadequate. I think I had inflated the image of how the first time should be so much that I created some crazy expectations beforehand. But eventually, I relaxed and it got better and better for both of us.  I bled a bit after but I think that was just from a little stretching. Otherwise, I was fine and almost relieved to know that things seemed  normal. I just needed that affirmation…


  1. Miss-Smiley said,

    Awwwww lovely story thanks for sharing.

  2. MRKHCanada said,

    No problem!

  3. Kay Berry said,

    You are so fortunite to have B. What a wonderful man. We fooled around at first too. When he finally was able to be inside me, I didn’t want to ever move again. It was so wonderful to feel like a whole person.

    Hugs Kay USA

  4. MRKHCanada said,

    Totally agree! It was such a relief…it was exactly as you said, I felt like a whole person. I am lucky…B is wonderful.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: