Telling.

March 5, 2010 at 6:55 pm (My Story.)

As I mentioned in my previous entry, there are some pretty crucial details I skimmed over in terms of how my relationship with B evolved. This entry will be devoted to the turning point of our relationship: when I told him my deepest secret.

It was almost two years into our relationship. By this point I had met B’s family, who were large, loving and close. I knew that he valued this and that one day he would want to start a family of his own. Ive always thought that he would be a great Dad (he’s great with kids and is now almost finished teachers college so he’ll be a fully fledged teacher after April). It is this knowledge that I think hurt me the most because I knew that (if we stayed together for the long-term) this is something I could not give him. I had the additional burden of knowing that if I told him I would have to let him go if he couldn’t handle it. That made it  harder. Being as he is an only child in his immediate family, I also thought about how unfair it is for me to deprive his parents of their only chance at having biological grandchildren. These are the thoughts that were running through my head (and still sometimes do). What if he thinks I’m a freak? What if he resents me for having left it for so long to tell him? Will he understand?

We had been walking home and somehow the conversation started. How he wanted to have kids and how happy it would make his family etc. etc. I asked him (as I had a few times before): “What if we can’t have kids? Would you be okay with adoption?” He kept looking at me like he knew something was up. By this point we had been together for a while. He had noticed that I hadnt been getting my period very early in our relationship (when you live in such close quarters, it can be hard to hide these things). Initially, I told him it was because I was irregular and, when he remained unconvinced, I told him that I had chosen to get the birth control shot. I’ve never been sure if he believed me or not. Anyways, to get back to our original conversation, B replied that he would be okay with adoption but would rather have children that would be biologically ours. I had half expected that answer and shrugged it off. I tried to hide my disappointment but he knew something was bothering me. I tried once again to shrug it off and change the subject but he was persistent. Like I said, he could read me really well. Eventually, we walked by our local pub (The Royal Oak).  We ducked in there and B continued to ask me if everything was okay. I remember thinking to myself that now would be as good a time as any. It was never going to get easier. If anything the longer I waited the harder it would be for both of us. So essentially, I blurted it out over beer and tears.

I told him I have a condition called MRKH which meant that I couldn’t physically bear a child. It meant that I had never had a period. It meant that I had to dilate in order to be able to have a vagina that would accomodate a penis. I told him that I knew how much having children meant and that if he wanted to walk away I would understand.  I told him that I had battled with this secret for ages that that I was now at my most vulnerable. He was very quiet and his expression was soft. He didn’t speak until I had finished. He had held my hand, even though my entire body was shaking. It was almost like telling another person just made it all the more real. He told me that he understood and that, no, he was not going to walk away. MRKH hadn’t changed the way he thought about me and that he loved me for telling him. He told me it wasnt a big deal and we argued a bit because I knew it was.

Our conversation lasted a while but at the end of it I felt tired. Almost like expelling those words had somehow had a physical effect on me. He didn’t change but I felt different. Somehow letting my guard down meant that I could be me. No more lies, no more secrets, no more fear. Just me. Plain and simple.

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