The Black Hole.

March 27, 2010 at 3:29 pm (My Story.)

I’m going to backtrack a little in my story. Sometimes it can be hard to recall memories that you buried deep, so aspects of my diagnosis that I tried to forget are now what I will reveal to you. The following is the story of how I found out.

I remember being 15, scared and confused. Before being diagnosed with anything, I was sent for an ultrasound to see what was going on down there. I had drank a lot of liquids so the image would be clearer. I was dying to pee but I had to wait. She applied the gel and proceeded to scan me. The monitor was turned away from me. I was scared but curious to see what she saw so I watched her expression change from neutral to confused. I asked her what it was she saw but she did not answer me right away. She could not seem to peel her eyes away from the monitor. I asked her to turn it so I could see too. I was panicking, thinking something really must be wrong. She turned the monitor and a giant black hole stared back at me. It was like it was confirming how I felt. Empty.  I asked her again to tell me what she saw. She told me she could not tell me and that she had to get another opinion. She left me on that table, like some kind of lab rat. Alone, confused and most of all, scared. I continued to stare at the image of a black hole in the monitor, trying to make sense of it. But it just stared right back with a big, fat nothing.

After what seemed like an hour (but what was probably something more like five minutes), she returned with a man in a white coat. She turned the monitor away from me again and they spoke in hushed voices, whispering to each other. One shook their head while the other spoke, both intrigued and confused (it seemed). I continued to try and read their expressions but it was all in vain, they would give nothing away. The man left shortly thereafter and again, I asked her what this all meant. She only replied (coldly) that the results would be sent to my family doctor (who had referred me) and that it was my doctor’s job to tell me what was going on. I was close to tears: Was I going to die? Was I a freak? What the hell was going on and why wouldn’t anyone tell me? It was my body after all!

I later got a response from my doctor who told me I either had parts missing or I had a grossly underdeveloped uterus. I prayed that I was just underdeveloped but you all know how this part of the story ends. My experience in that room was awful. The silence is what killed me. I can remember thinking back, after my diagnosis, how ironic it was that expectant mothers are usually overjoyed to see a new life growing inside them and how I had gone to find out that I myself would never feel that new life inside me.

Fig 1: This image shows the absence of uterus in an MRKH woman (No, this is not me!).

2 Comments

  1. Kay Berry said,

    Your black hole story is so touching. You have a way of expressing emotions with words that touchs us all.

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